Relationships

Our Mature Understanding of ADHD and Romantic Relationships

How do ADHD and emotional dysregulation affect relationships? A quarter century ago, this question was unspoken. Today, we better understand the impact of ADHD’s symptoms and traits, including emotional dysregulation, on marriages and partnerships. Here, Melissa Orlov, a marriage consultant, describes how the field has evolved.

Melissa Orlov
By Melissa Orlov Updated on July 12, 2024
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In 1998, when ADDitude was founded, information about ADHD was limited, often inaccurate, and almost never about adults. Professional education and training for ADHD was extremely hard to find, as few specialized in the area.

Adult ADHD was brought out of the shadows by Ned Hallowell, M.D., and John Ratey, M.D., with their groundbreaking book, Delivered from Distraction. Some time later, the pair began to offer trainings to help professionals like myself better understand ADHD.

When I started my ADHDmarriage.com blog in 2007, I only expected to share some of my insights with a few people who might be interested. I had personal experience, Hallowell and Ratey’s training under my belt, and a desire to help others. To my surprise, the blog took off; it was clear that an enormous number of couples needed help managing ADHD’s impact on their relationships. Many of these couples had never considered that ADHD could have such an impact, but once they learned of the connection, they easily recognized ADHD’s effects on their own relationships, and were relieved to understand that their struggles made sense.

[Get This Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship]

The response to the blog was so overwhelming that it necessitated the writing of my first book just to organize and respond to the thousands of pages of input from unhappy and desperate partners seeking answers and solace.

ADHD and Emotional Dysregulation in Relationships

Awareness of ADHD’s impact on relationships is much greater today (in part due to ADDitude’s continued focus on this topic). Research on adult ADHD has improved dramatically, and more professionals are aware of how ADHD manifests in adults and affects couples and families.

When I started writing about ADHD and relationships, improving communication and diminishing parent-child dynamics were two of the most important topics I covered. While both subjects remain critically important today, the role that emotional dyregulation plays in ADHD relationship struggles has become more central. This is a very good thing.

Thanks to work done by William Dodson, M.D., on rejection sensitive dysphoria (which couples immediately reported as relevant to their relationship challenges as soon as the term appeared) and by Russell Barkley, Ph.D., on deficient emotional self-regulation (DESR), we now understand that many adults with ADHD experience big emotions, and that such intense emotions can easily destabilize even the strongest partnerships and make relationship improvement more difficult than it needs to be. Fortunately, adults with ADHD are now starting to be provided the medicinal and therapeutic support they need to manage emotional dysregulation.

[Read: How Rejection Sensitivity Casts a Cloud Over My Marriage]

Acknowledgement and treatment of the high emotional content many with ADHD carry is the newest frontier in helping couples succeed. I am convinced that the next frontier is building professional awareness of best-in-class assistance for couples impacted by ADHD. Counseling these couples is not the same as counseling couples without ADHD, for whom standard marriage counseling is suboptimal. I look forward to being part of that next phase – further creating the support that so many ADHD couples and their families need.

ADHD and Romantic Relationships: Next Steps

Melissa Orlov is the founder of ADHDmarriage.com, the author of two award-winning books on how ADHD impacts couples, and was the Your Relationships columnist for ADDitude from 2008-2014. This article is part of our “25 Years of ADDitude” collection, which reflects on the past, present, and future of ADHD and ADDitude since the publication’s founding in 1998.