10 Steps to Unmasking Your ADHD

Women with ADHD typically spend their lives masking to fit in. In social situations, we cringe with embarrassment and self-recrimination when we arrive late, interrupt, or say something that seems inappropriate. At work, we frantically try to meet deadlines as the last minute, struggling to stay on track and talking too much to co-workers. Underneath it all is the assumption that we do things “wrong,” and we must strive to conform to neurotypical standards.

None of us is granted a life custom-designed for our interests and skills. But what if women with ADHD approached their own lives with the same support and creative problem solving they offer their children with ADHD? Parents seek treatment, counseling, accommodations, and structured environments to help their children develop better self-management skills. What if women turned that same supportive focus on themselves?

As a woman with ADHD, and as a mental health professional treating women with ADHD, my overall experience is that women take care of their children at their own expense. To create an ADHD-friendly life, we must focus that same level of care and creative problem-solving on ourselves.

To begin the process of creating an ADHD-friendly life, ask yourself these questions: What are the everyday struggles that I can simplify or eliminate? What would make my daily life easier? As you seek to answer these questions, consider this advice:

Finding a less stressful job, or accumulating the skills and connections needed to unlock meaningful and satisfying work, may take time but could transform your life. Open your mind to these other game-changers: What if you could cut your commuting time in half? Or move to a smaller home with less upkeep?

Do you waste frantic minutes each day looking for paperwork, your phone, keys, glasses, etc.? If your home allows it, build a landing and launching pad where jackets are hung, backpacks are placed, and shoes are tucked away reliably. Keep your keys, phones, sunglasses, and other critical items in a tray or basket in this area too.

[Read: Simplify Your Life — 7 Habits That Bring Calm and Stability]

Routines only work if they work for you. One creative mom with ADHD came up with this plan for her neurodivergent son: The night before a school day, he took a shower, got dressed in his school clothes for the following day, and then went to bed. It cut down hugely on their morning stress.

Join an online support group to find other women with ADHD who understand you and can help problem-solve. Women with similar struggles can help you identify your strengths and understand your challenges — and they won’t judge you for your differences.

Work with your partner, kids, or roommates to align communal tasks and responsibilities with each of your preferences and abilities. Collaborative problem-solving will go a lot further than complaints and resentment.

Nagging family members is exhausting and often counterproductive. Instead, create a “family chore time” when everyone tackles tasks together. Play upbeat music and make a game of it. Reward task completion! Treat your family to ice cream afterward.

[Read: How to Keep a Clean House When Everyone Has ADHD]

If you scoff at the notion of finding peace during your hectic, disrupted day, try to find micro-moments here and there. Getting up 15 minutes earlier might allow you a quiet cup of tea before the morning chaos erupts. Taking a 10-minute walk after work can reset your brain before tackling dinner and homework.

On your next walk, call a friend or invite them to join you. Aim to meet in person or talk with a friend or family member at least once a day.

When we grab our devices in the evening to wind down, we stay up late. This causes sleep deprivation. Instead, practice mindful meditation or read before bed.

I encourage family members to share their “worst ADHD moment” of the day. Start with, “You’re not going to believe what I did today…” This allows other family members to chime in with their own ADHD snafus and laugh together supportively.

How to Deal with ADHD: Next Steps for Women

• Sign Up! Essential Support for Women with ADHD
• Read: “You Are Way Too Hard On Yourself…”
• Read: "I Felt So Misunderstood"
• eBook: Women with ADHD

Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D., is the founder and director of The Chesapeake Center for ADHD, Learning, and Behavioral Health.

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