Lift your child’s spirits (and your own!) with these feel-good, strengths-focused tips informed by the principles of positive psychology.

1. At the dinner table, emphasize the good they did that day.

Use dinnertime as an opportunity to focus on everything that went well that day and how your child’s efforts contributed to positivity. Ask questions or prompts like the following:

• “Tell us what you got right today.”
• “Tell me when you stayed on task and got your work done.”
• “Did you stay calm when something upsetting happened today? What was it?”
• “Did you almost do something bad today, but decided not to do it? What was it? How did you stop yourself?”
• “Tell us something you remembered to do today, that you used to forget.”
• “Did you get along well with other kids today in a group? You welcomed ideas and listened? Tell us about it.”

2. Point out their strengths every chance you get.

Children with ADHD have their challenges pointed out to them every day by everyone in authority. What often gets forgotten or overlooked, though, is building awareness of their strengths.

Children with ADHD will grow into successful, happy adults not because their deficits were erased, but because their strengths were identified, nurtured, and developed through adolescence and into young adulthood. Good teachers, coaches, and other leaders understand this. You’ll observe it in how they talk about children.

[Get This Free Download: Conversation Starters for Parents & Kids to Foster Bonds]

“Your daughter is dynamic in class. When she expresses a strong opinion, she expresses herself well, and the other students listen.”

“Your son took a leadership role and organized the whole project, delegating duties to the others. He really has leadership skills.”

Make it a rule to point out the positives, even as you’re navigating challenges.

“You push my buttons sometimes, but I noticed that you were so kind to your grandmother today at the assisted living home, and to the others as well. The way you show kindness to others is amazing.”

3. Focus on the progress, not the gaps.

Children and adolescents with ADHD often lag behind their peers in some key skills, such as staying on task, remembering important information, and controlling their impulsive behavior.

Awareness of gaps is important, but it shouldn’t be the whole picture. As I learned from a wise parent many years ago, focusing too much on where your child ought to be leads to discouragement and despair. “My child will never grow up! They’ll never make it!”

[Read: Shake Loose of Your Limiting Beliefs — A Guide for Teens with ADHD]

Instead, it is much better to look backward in time and focus on the progress your child has made. In my own practice, I work with families to create a list of small, reachable goals for their child for the next six months, not unlike a school IEP. At the end of this period, we do a review, that might go something like this:

• My child struggled to flush the toilet in the past, but now they are doing it more than half the time.
• My child would argue with me about starting homework, but now they get started on their own about half the time.
• We’ve worked on cleaning up messes, and now they’re doing it almost all the time.  I have to remind them a few times here and there.
• My child has made it through a whole semester without getting suspended, not even once.

4. Close out the day with affection and empathy.

Raising a child with unique needs can put a great deal of undue stress on the parent-child bond. At the end of the day, repair the bond. Understand that your child is not purposefully trying to give you a hard time. No one wants to live a life with challenges.

Give your child a hug. Offer empathy. “It’s not easy, is it? I forgive you. Forgive me for yelling at you. I need a hug, too. Tomorrow is a new day, and we’ll start over, trying to get things right.”

5. Send positive messages of hope and optimism for the future.

Be a beacon of light for your child, especially as they pass through the adolescent and young adult years. Even a kind text message here and there can be well received.

• “You have many strengths (name them). Use those today to be successful.”
• “Today is a new day. Make a fresh start. Get things right. I know you can do it.”
• “You have family and friends all around you who love you and are rooting for you. They are ready to help you, anytime.”
• “You are growing, changing, and learning from your mistakes. You have a way to go, but you’re making progress. Keep at it.”

Positive Attitude in ADHD Kids: Next Steps

• Read: “I Believe In You!” How to Vanquish a Child’s Low Self-Esteem
• Read: How to Invest In Your Child’s “Emotional Bank Account”
• Read: How to Explain ADHD in Positive, Empowering Terms
• Get This eBook: The ADHD Positive Parenting Guide

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References

Seligman, M.  2006.  Learned Optimism. Vintage.

Seligman, M.  2004.  Authentic Happiness. Simon Element / Simon Acumen

If these tired (but undying) parenting tropes trigger a hidden rage or sadness, you might have a child with ADHD. Because, no, every day should not be held dear. And some moments can’t pass by quickly enough. And accelerated maturation is typically not the problem.

The truth is that most parenting advice is bad advice for the parents of children with ADHD. Our circumstances are complicated and the solutions that work for everyone else typically just make us feel bad about ourselves. So, what does help?

[Free Download: Cheat Sheet of ADHD Discipline Strategies]

In a recent ADDitude survey, 177 parents recommended the resources that work for them — from helpful books to online tools produced by experts in the field. The tools are varied, but one benefit was universal: feeling heard, validated, and supported regarding the real, pervasive challenges associated with parenting a child with ADHD.

Readers’ most recommended books for parents included the following:

• Understanding Girls with ADHD by Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D.; Patricia Quinn, M.D.; and Ellen Littman, Ph.D.
• The Emotional Lives of Teenagers by Lisa Damour, Ph.D.
• The ADHD Empowerment Guide by James Forgan, Ph.D. and Mary Anne
• Mindful Parenting for ADHD by Mark Bertin, M.D.
• Raising Girls Who Like Themselves by Kasey Edwards and Christopher Scanlon, Ph.D.
• Gifted and Distractible by Julie F. Skolnick, MA, JD.
• What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew by Sharon Saline, Psy.D., and Laura Markham, Ph.D.
• 14 Talks Before Age 14 by Michelle Icard
• The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine Ph.D.
• How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
• How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis, LPC

[Free Parenting Guide for Moms and Dads with ADHD]

Still other parents recommended Jessica McCabe’s YouTube channel “How to ADHD,” and Ryan Wexelblatt’s “ADHD Dude” website.

Popular podcasts included the following:

• “Beautifully Complex” by Penny Williams
• “Calm Parenting” by Kirk Martin
• “ADHD Experts” by ADDitude

More Parenting Books and Resources Recommended by ADDitude Readers

“I think what I’ve appreciated the most is stories from experts and parents who are neurodivergent and have a child that is neurodivergent. It gives me a sense of being seen and heard.”

“ADDitude podcasts have really helped, as did CHADD’s Baltimore conference a few years ago. The ‘ADHD Rewired’ podcast has helped. On Instagram, @adhd_love has really helped me to laugh and to feel compassion for myself and neurodivergent family members. All of these resources have helped me to have a better understanding of myself and my children — and to feel greater acceptance, patience, and compassion toward us all.”

“I started listening to the ‘ADHD Chatter’ podcast soon after I was diagnosed, and I found that listening to the experiences of others helped me find my new identity. Taking Charge of ADHD by Russell Barkley, Ph.D., was written specifically for parents of ADHD children and has served as a blueprint for how we parent. ADDA, CHADD, and ADDitude publish resources that have been extremely helpful in how we organize our lives, how we practice self-care, how we work to regulate our emotions for a more stable home, and so on.”

“I love the book ADHD for Smart Ass Women by Tracy Otsuka. Knowing about myself helps me to know how I can help my daughter.”

“The ‘Weirds of a Feather’ podcast makes me feel like I’m talking to people that really know me and what I’m going through.”

“Unique by Jodi Rodgers has been amazing for helping me to learn to accept my kid’s ADHD and autistic behavior. It helped me see that many of these behaviors are more normal than I thought. It also made me think more about what drives the behavior…. The Glass House by Anne Buist and Graeme Simsion was also great. We have a lot of food aversions, and this book was the first one that made me realize that my child’s mental health is just as important, if not more so, than eating healthy food…. This book made me realize that my anger and frustration are causing more damage to my son’s mental stress than the physical damage of eating whatever he wants.”

“When we first started this part of our journey, I really enjoyed TiLT Parenting because it helped to normalize our experiences and also gave us (and our kids) language to describe the experience. We also got a lot of ideas to try together, and it was normalized that things that might work today, might not work tomorrow. At the height of my eldest son’s symptoms at the start of middle school as we were working toward getting him set up with help to succeed, we used a lot of tips and tools from Seth Perler’s vlog/website. I also have used information I’ve learned in the Executive Function Online Summit that he presents to support my children, myself, and youth I work with in the community.”

“Dr. Russell Barkley’s podcasts and videos prompted me to ask: Is the child’s behavior deliberate or beyond their control? When I asked this question to myself, it helped to step back and observe first.”

“As a parent of a child with ADHD and a psychologist who diagnoses ADHD and other differences, I get a lot of use out of All Dogs Have ADHD by Kathy Hoopmann. The photographs of the dogs are fun and engaging for readers of all ages, and the message of the book is empathetic and strengths based. It opens the door to good conversations about what features of ADHD show up for the unique child, and which don’t. In this way, sharing the book with the child helps foster self-awareness and solidarity with the many others who are neurodivergent in this way. I love it!”

“Dr. Russ Barkley’s 12 Principles for Raising a Child with ADHD is a short, no-nonsense, realistic guide. For me, hearing ‘It’s not a knowledge problem; it’s a production problem’ was very insightful.”

“I enjoy The Calm Parenting podcast. I have a strong-willed neurodivergent daughter who challenges med on a daily basis — and drains my energy. This podcast really helps me understand her and work with her. I also like the perspective that my neurodivergent kid needs to be treated like junior employees. This helps fights the inclination to yell, shame, and tell of. But instead to help them succeed, guide them, support them and decision to trust their judgement sometimes :-)”

“Mona Delahooke’s books on brain-body parenting have been a real eye-opener for us regarding how our and our kids’ bodies react in different situations and how to work with that. I really appreciate her down-to-earth approach, plain language, and compassion.”

“The book What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew by Dr. Sharon Saline and Dr. Laura Markham emphasizes how kids with ADHD basically spend their entire school day facing negative feedback and encourages parents to keep that in mind when you want to provide even more negative feedback to your child.”

“Discipline without Damage by Dr Vanessa Lapointe is great book for parenting in general same principles should be applied to ADHD but giving some room for where the child is at and particular areas they struggle in. It even has a section on exceptional (neurodivergent) kids.”

“Your Child is Not Broken by Heidi Mavir. I found it refreshing to get a perspective of a real mom advocating for her child and the teen’s perspective.”

Parenting Books and Resources for ADHD Families: Next Steps

• Listen: The Power of Behavioral Parent Training for ADHD
• Read: How to Deal with Anger From Your Child
• Access: Free Parenting Guide for Caregivers with ADHD

SUPPORT ADDITUDE

Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Poor impulse control can cause teens with ADHS to make poor choices – and lie about those choices. Lying stems from avoidance, denial, or a desire to skirt punishment.

But lying compounds the problem. There’s the lie, and then there’s the original problem that caused the lie.

There is something called earned trust. Through their actions, children and adolescents build on or destroy what has accumulated in a “trust bank account” with their parents. Kids think their trust bank accounts are flush with cash just because they exist. That’s not the case. Trust is earned. When a parent loses trust because a child lied, the child must earn it back, perhaps by complying with agreements or behaviors you both negotiated, for example.

When younger kids with ADHD lie, it doesn’t typically mean they’re trying to deceive you. Usually, kids lie to increase comfort in the present moment. Kids or teens may lie because they feel uncomfortable or ashamed, or in hopes of reducing stress or minimizing conflict.

[Free Download: Your 10 Toughest Discipline Problems — Solved!]

I suggest that you sit down with your child or adolescent and say, “There’s lying going on. How do we want to handle that? Let’s talk about agreements and logical consequences.”

Here’s a critical point to remember as a parent: You can’t ask for honesty and then punish it. If you say, “I want you to call me at any hour, wherever you are, and I’ll pick you up,” then you must follow through on this promise without judgement.

The ride home is not the time for lectures or to express your frustration. Refrain from telling them all the things that they’re going to lose; otherwise, they’re not going to confide in or call you again when they’re in a pickle. Instead, wait and gather your thoughts carefully. There’s nothing wrong with making your kids sweat a little bit. Then have the conversation later when everybody is calmer – and more clear-headed.

A positive response to dishonesty includes discussion and understanding; don’t shut things down with anger, guilt, blame, and shaming. When you show up with curiosity and compassion, you offer your child the opportunity to come clean and work with you on collaborative solutions to earn back your trust. This process builds connection and reduces conflict.

Parenting a Habitual Liar: Next Steps

• Read: A Survival Guide for Parents with ADHD: Strategies from Preschool to High School
• Free Download: Questions to Get Your Child Talking
• Watch: “A Parent’s Guide to Trading Defiance for Cooperation”

Sharon Saline, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with children, teens, and families living with ADHD and coexisting conditions.

As many as 62% of kids with ADHD receive a diagnosis and a prescription for medication without a recommendation for any type of parent behavior training or family therapy, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics. In a recent ADDitude survey, 57% of parents said they had participated in parent training. Of those, an astounding 93% recommended it.

Caregivers exert the greatest influence on their kids’ lives, and, let’s be honest, raising a child with ADHD can be extremely challenging. Parents may become frustrated, lose their temper, make allowances for inappropriate behaviors, or just give up in the face of relentless negative habits and attitudes. This is where parent behavior training, also called behavioral parent training (BPT), can help.

Moving from Reactivity to Proactivity

Parent training refers to a series of interventions designed to help caregivers learn effective strategies to manage their own emotions as well as their child’s behavior. The goals revolve around using positive reinforcement, setting effective boundaries, and providing scaffolding to increase positive connections, reduce negativity, and enhance a child’s successes.

This type of training helps parents learn to be proactive rather than reactive. The reactive parent responds to a child’s behaviors with threats of punishment based on intense feelings rather than logical thinking. Punishment fails to work in the long term because children with ADHD will need other options in their toolkit.

[Free Download: Your Guide to Parent Training Programs]

A good parent behavior training program can do the following:

• Teach parents real-world strategies for positive reinforcement and consistent discipline.
• Teach self-regulation, de-escalation, and calming strategies.
• Improve parent-child communication through reflective listening and accountability.
• Help parents set realistic expectations and routines based on their child’s skills and abilities.
• Replace reactive parenting with proactive strategies that rely on incentives rather than threats.

6 Popular Training Programs

The most effective parent training programs increase positive parent-child interactions by elevating the quality of attachment, the ability to communicate effectively, and the willingness to set and enforce boundaries. Here are six programs popular among families living with ADHD.

Parent-Child Interaction Therapy

Format: A therapist in an observation room watches parents interact with their child in real time. Parents wear an earpiece to receive in-the-moment parenting strategies from the therapist.

Goals:

• To help your child feel calm, confident, and secure in your relationship
• To learn how to be confident and calm in the face of your child’s most difficult behaviors

The Incredible Years

Format: Trained facilitators use video vignettes to present content and stimulate discussion. Separate programs are offered for parents of toddlers, preschoolers, and school-age children.

Goals:

• To strengthen parent-child interactions
• To foster parents’ ability to promote kids’ social and emotional development
• To reduce school dropout rates and delinquent behaviors
• To promote academic success

[Free Webinar: “The Power of Behavioral Parent Training for ADHD”]

Positive Parenting Program (Triple P)

Format: This online program is designed for two groups: parents of children ages 12 and under, and parents of children ages 10 to 16. The program provides a mix of videos, worksheets, tips, and activities that take 30 to 60 minutes to complete.

Goals:

• To set discipline guidelines
• To build parent confidence
• To raise happy children

Helping the Noncompliant Child

Format: Training sessions for parents and children ages 3 to 8. Skills are taught using active teaching methods, such as extensive demonstration, role play, and real-time practice.

Goals: To foster positive interaction by:

• Reducing parental coercive behaviors
• Giving positive attention to the child for appropriate behavior
• Setting limits and consequences

Parent Management Training

Format: Parents of children with moderate to severe behavioral difficulties work with a certified trainer online, in person, or over the phone.

Goals:

• To teach parents how to help their children cultivate positive behavior
• To learn how to effectively deal with anxiety and negative behavior

GenerationPMTO

Format: GenerationPMTO is an intervention program that is provided to individual families or parent groups, in person or via telehealth. The structure of individual training programs differs by location, both nationally and internationally.

Goals:

• To promote social skills that reduce delinquency, deviant peer associations, and mood disorders in parents and youths

Tips for Finding a Provider

Ask these key questions when interviewing a prospective therapist, coach, or program administrator:

1. What is your education in a particular parent behavior training model? Do you hold a certificate, license, or other accreditation in your field?
2. What is your training in ADHD and child development?
3. How do you monitor and support your clients’ progress?
4. What additional support is available after the program ends?

Behavioral Parent Training (BPT): Next Steps

• Free Download: 5 Ways to Improve Emotional Control at Home
• Read: How Does Behavior Therapy Work?
• Read: When Behavioral Parent Training is Working — But Tough to Maintain
• Sign Up: Parenting Class for ADHD Families

Sharon Saline, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist and author.

Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, is a school social worker, camp director, and father to a son with ADHD and learning differences.

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Use the examples below to help you explain ADHD to your child in easy-to-understand language that diminishes shame and accentuates strengths.

Executive Dysfunction: A Short-Staffed Airport Control Tower

Our brains are like busy airports with control towers that guide the airplanes of executive function — planning, prioritizing, organizing, managing time, and other skills that help us get through everyday life — to take off and land smoothly.

Except the ADHD brain’s control tower isn’t always well-staffed. It often feels like you’re the only one who showed up to work! You scurry around ensuring that airplanes take off and land without incident — a feat that requires enormous amounts of energy. Sometimes, airplanes become delayed in their take off, or fail to take off altogether.

This is called executive dysfunction. It’s why an ordinary day at school feels so exhausting for you, and why some things may seem harder for you than for your classmates.

How to Support Executive Function Skills: Next Steps

• Read: Your Child’s 7 Executive Functions — and How to Boost Them
• Read: How to Sharpen Executive Functions — Activities to Hone Brain Skills
• Free Download: Common Executive Function Challenges — and Solutions

Regulation: A Volume Button (Sometimes) Gone Haywire

Do you sometimes feel absolutely stuck, unable to get started on your homework even though everyone tells you to “just do it?” Does it ever feel difficult to wind down and get to sleep?

If you answered yes, your brain’s volume button may be stuck or off kilter. The volume buttons in our brains help us regulate and moderate energy, emotions, appetite, sleep, and activity levels. In ADHD brains, the volume button sometimes gets jammed, or it develops a mind of its own, tuning to sound levels that don’t match your commands.

You know your volume button is at zero when it feels impossible to get anything done. It looks like a lack of motivation and procrastination. Maybe you have no appetite, and you struggle to get out of bed.

Sometimes, for no reason in particular, your brain’s volume button will ramp up to 100. Big feelings will flood your brain, your appetite will surge, and it will feel impossible to stop scrolling through social media or to turn off your video game. Even falling asleep will be difficult with a mind that is going full blast.

Self-Regulation: Next Steps

• Read: How to Teach Emotional Regulation Skills
• Read: How to Motivate an Unmotivated Teenager
• Read: Why Task Switching is Difficult for ADHD Brains — and 7 Ways to Smooth Transitions

Sensory Sensitivity: Operating with No Filter

Every minute of every day, our brains filter through sensory input from inside and outside of our bodies. But the filters in ADHD brains are sometimes unreliable — allowing too much or too little information to break through. Often, every little input is received and processed in your brain, making you ultra-sensitive to things like how clothes feel on your body, the intensity of certain smells, the lighting in your classroom, and other sensations. Everything competes for your attention.

This is why hanging out with friends can feel so tiring sometimes. It’s not that you don’t like spending time with them, it’s just that your brain heightens the sensations of everything around you, draining you of your energy as you try to handle competing stimuli.

Sensory Sensitivities: Next Steps

• Read: What Is Your Child’s Sensory Profile?
• Read: Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Sticky!
• Free Download: Sensory Issues — Triggers, Symptoms & Types of SPD

Rumination: A Sticky Gearbox

We all have bad days. To move past challenges, you rely on your brain’s gearbox to shift out of negative thinking and cruise into a lighter perspective. If you find that you’re stuck in loops of negative, toxic thoughts, it’s because your gearbox is sticking — a common problem in ADHD due to emotional dysregulation. Once you notice what’s happening, strategies from cognitive behavioral therapy can be incredibly helpful in getting you unstuck.

How to Shift to Healthier Thoughts: Next Steps

• Read: How Do I Teach My Teen to Manage Emotions?
• Read: When Your Child Wants to Give Up
• Read: How Can I Help My Teen Adopt a Growth Mindset?

How to Explain ADHD to Kids and Teens: More Resources

• Free Download: 5 Ways to Build Self-Advocacy Skills
• Read: Your Brain Is a Ferrari
• Read: How Do You Talk to Your Child About ADHD? Advice from Fellow Parents
• Read: Your Brain Is Amazing! 5 Things All Neurodivergent Teens Need to Hear

The content for this article was derived, in part, from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “The Emotional Lives of Girls with ADHD [Video Replay & Podcast #488]“ with Lotta Borg Skoglund, M.D., Ph.D., which was broadcast on January 23, 2024.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

When I became a mom, I realized that people with ADHD do not tolerate lack of sleep and changes in routine. My impaired executive functioning — poor time management, procrastination, emotional dysregulation — made motherhood acutely difficult. Societal expectations (i.e., women should have the perfect house and perfect kids and bake endless cookies) sparked feelings of isolation.

3 Ways to Cope with ADHD

Here are some approaches I’ve learned over the years that can help mothers with ADHD today.

[Get This Free Guide: ADHD Diagnosis for Women]

1. Ask for help. Seeking backup is not a reflection of poor parenting or a sign of weakness. Dump any unhealthy, unrealistic expectations for yourself.
2. Reframe negativity. You’re not hyperactive; you’re energetic. You’re not disorganized; you’re spontaneous. If someone calls you moody, explain that sensitive people make for empathetic friends
3. Practice self-care. Put yourself first. Get up before your kids to enjoy a quiet workout or breakfast. Do what makes you feel grounded before you take on the day’s responsibilities.

Reframing Negative Thoughts: Next Steps

• Free Download: Get a Grip on Tough Emotions
• Read: “Women Need Better, More Accurate Diagnostic Tools for ADHD”
• Read: Putting a Stop to Negative Thoughts
• Read: “We Demand Attention on the Health Consequences of Delayed ADHD Diagnoses on Women”

Terry Matlen, LMSW, ACSW,  is a psychotherapist, consultant, and author. She has 25 years of experience helping women with ADHD.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Reserve your spot in this free webinar, and get the event replay link plus a 15% discount to ADDitude magazine

Not available June 11th? Don’t worry. Register now and we’ll send you the replay link to watch at your convenience.

Does your teen with ADHD overreact to small comments, withdraw suddenly, or seem constantly on edge? They may experience rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), a phenomenon common with ADHD. Not a formal diagnosis, RSD refers to intense feelings of pain following an actual or perceived rejection; a person with RSD may anticipate someone pulling back friendship, love, or support over a gesture, a misunderstanding, or a small disagreement.

Parenting teens with ADHD typically means navigating intense emotional storms, executive functioning challenges, and unpredictable hormonal shifts. When you add RSD to the mix, this combination can feel overwhelming and exhausting for everyone.

This webinar is designed to increase your ability to understand what’s really going on beneath the surface and to offer support through the ups and downs of adolescent sensitivity with compassion and clarity. Award-winning author, international speaker, and consultant Dr. Sharon Saline will explain how to manage the heightened emotional sensitivity in teens that often accompanies ADHD. After discussing the science behind RSD and how it relates to social anxiety, she will explore how hormonal changes in adolescence amplify emotional intensity and increase dysregulation in teens. Dr. Saline will show you how to assist kids in identifying triggers, reducing negative self-talk, and lowering shame. You’ll learn practical, evidence-based strategies for helping your adolescents feel more in control of their emotions, more connected to you, and more confident in themselves.

Learning Objectives:

• Understand the connections between ADHD and RSD in teens
• Learn how hormonal changes during puberty impact brain development, mood swings, and emotional sensitivity
• Recognize common signs of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) in teens, including emotional shutdowns or outbursts
• Gain practical tools for de-escalating emotional outbursts and helping your teen name, manage, and recover from big emotions
• Explore communication strategies that foster trust, reduce shame, and build resilience

Have a question for our expert? There will be an opportunity to post questions for the presenter during the live webinar.

RSD in ADHD Teens: Resources

• Free Download: Evaluate Your Teen’s Emotional Control
• Read: How ADHD Ignites RSD: Meaning & Medication Solutions
• Read: Have a Teen with ADHD? Encourage Communication & Avoid the Drama
• Read: The Key to ADHD Emotional Regulation? Cultivating Gratitude, Pride & Compassion
• eBook: The Parents’ Guide to Raising a Teen with ADHD, Part One

Meet the Expert Speaker

Sharon Saline, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist and author of the award-winning book, What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life and The ADHD Solution Deck (#CommissionsEarned) specializes in working with children, teens, emerging adults and families living with ADHD, anxiety, learning disabilities, autism, twice exceptionality and mental health issues. Her unique perspective, as a sibling in an ADHD home, combined with decades of experience as a clinical psychologist and educator/clinician consultant, assists her in guiding families and adults toward effective communication and closer connections. She lectures and facilitates workshops internationally on topics such as understanding ADHD, executive functioning, anxiety, motivation, different kinds of learners, and the teen brain. Dr. Saline is a regular contributor to ADDitude and Psychology Today, a featured expert on MASS Appeal on WWLP-TV, and a part-time lecturer at the Smith School for Social Work. Her writing has been featured in numerous online and print publications including MSN, The Psychotherapy Networker, Smith College Studies in Social Work, Attention Magazine, ADDitude Magazine, Psych Central, and Inquirer.com. Learn more at www.drsharonsaline.com.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Webinar Sponsor

RSD is common in teens with ADHD—but it’s manageable. Play Attention uses NASA-inspired technology that lets users control cognitive exercises with attention alone, empowering your teen to build focus, emotional regulation, and resilience. Proven to improve executive function and backed by Tufts University research, our program blends AI-powered personalization with a dedicated focus coach—for that human touch. Start with our ADHD test or schedule a consultation. Home and professional programs available. www.playattention.com

Certificate of Attendance: For information on how to purchase the certificate of attendance option (cost $10), register for the webinar, then look for instructions in the email you’ll receive one hour after it ends. The certificate of attendance link will also be available here, on the webinar replay page, several hours after the live webinar. ADDitude does not offer CEU credits.

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This generation faces unparalleled challenges, but the themes of emerging adulthood remain constant: identity exploration and feelings of in-betweenness. From navigating opposition and disillusionment to exploring independence, here are the skills young adults need today — and ways that parents can help them approach these pain points.

Going Nowhere, Fast: How to Counter Pessimism and Opposition

Q: How do we get our child past the why-bother-because-the-world-sucks attitude? This mentality has kept my child from making moves post-college graduation and contributing to the household. Gaming is the only thing that interests them — they oppose almost all our ideas.

Solution: Explore Non-Withdrawal

You can’t make your child think that the world doesn’t suck. And your child isn’t alone in thinking that the world is a dreary place. Many members of Gen Z protest the state of the world by choosing to withdraw from it, mostly by escaping into the virtual. But you can explore — in a non-judgmental, non-hostile way — why your child thinks the world sucks, and whether they can participate in it anyway.

• Go with it. Ask, “If the world sucks, what do you think is going to happen down the road for you? Where do you see this all going?” This won’t be a one-time conversation.
• Show genuine curiosity. Say, “It must be so hard for you to feel like you don’t have any opportunities that are worthwhile in today’s world — that you don’t feel able to mobilize to do the things that you want to do. That must be really tough.”
• Give the benefit of the doubt. Avoid unsolicited advice or digs at your child’s bothersome behaviors (like sleeping all day and staying up all night to game). It only feeds oppositionality.
• Negotiate when the time comes. Most young adults eventually become bored of non-participation, which is good. It opens the door for you to fashion, in collaboration with your child, a way for them to have time to do what they want (in this case, gaming) and contribute to the family household.
• Build up to talks about their goals, not yours. Once your child begins engaging in negotiation, revisit the world-sucks conversation, and add in questions about values and aspirations. Ask:
  • You do care about some things. What might you be able to discover by taking those values and putting them into action?
  • What goals do you have? How can we help you get there? How might we come up with a transition plan?
  • What appeals to you? What might you find fun and rewarding (that also happens to bring you income)?

[Read: 5 Life Skills Every Young Adult with ADHD Should (Eventually) Master]

It’s-Everyone’s-Fault-ism: How to Instill Ownership

Q: My son blames all bad outcomes, such as lost job opportunities, on others. He does not see his role, and he doesn’t wonder what he could do differently next time. How can I help him develop self-awareness and a growth mindset?

Solution: What Floats Your Child’s Boat?

You’ll inspire your child to take ownership of his career and life not by telling him to be more responsible, but by engaging his motivational system.

Be Curious About Frustrations

Say your son abruptly quit his relatively new job because he “hated it.” Use the experience to start a conversation that taps into your child’s motivations.

You: What parts of the job did you hate the most?

Son: The inflexible work hours and how boring some of my tasks were.

You: I see. It seems like these aspects really matter to you, and you weren’t getting what you hoped for from this job. Were there aspects of the job that you liked?

Son: I liked days when I had variability and when I got to use my creative side.

You: It sounds like you know what you want out of a future role. How might you ensure that your next job has more of what motivates you — even enough to put up with the boring parts?

You can take the conversation in multiple directions — from how your son can manage boredom on the job to how he can find opportunities for creativity even when it’s not part of the job description. Either way, this approach will help your child view problems interactively and consider his role in the solution.

Shift to a ‘Try’ Mindset

For many with ADHD, blaming others often develops as a defense mechanism against feeling like a failure, which can turn into learned helplessness and avoidance — the “I’d rather not give myself a chance” mindset. As best you can, teach your son to try, learn from failure, and try again. Say, “Well, maybe that didn’t work out. What else might we try? We’re here for you — let us know when you’re ready to talk.”

[Recommended Reading: “Why Does Fear of Failure Paralyze My Teen with ADHD?”]

Helping or Hurting? How to Support Without Enabling

Q: “My son is always asking me for money. He’s in his late 20s and he moved to another city a few years ago to try to make it in a niche business. He’s taken a regular job while trying to make inroads, but he constantly asks for financial help. I give him what he asks for because he’s in survival mode, and I don’t want to be a dream crusher. Am I supporting or enabling him?”

Solution: Support with Limits & Don’t Swoop In

One of the most daunting yet key aspects of parenting a young adult is knowing when and how much to step back. Young adults need to struggle so they can learn how to resolve problems. Jumping in to save them entirely is not doing them any favors. Everyone struggles to find their way, and your job is to manage your anxiety if you see your child experiencing this normal difficulty. Remember, you’re parenting an adult — not a child or an adolescent — who desperately wants to figure it out for themselves.

At the same time, supporting your young adult in pursuing their dream and giving them a chance at it is a good thing — so long as you’ve expressed your expectations and limits. Consider how much you’ve provided to your son so far, and how much more (if anything) you’re comfortable providing. Communicate your limits with your child and discuss how he’ll live within a budget in his city. Keep in mind that a parental subsidy is the norm today, where so many young, well-educated people take low-paying jobs to get by while the cost of living continues to soar.

What Is Adulthood, Anyway?

Q: My 20-year-old kid seems so far from adulthood. I was far more mature at their age. Is my child stalled or am I being too hard on them?

Solution: Take a Step Back

The picture of adulthood has changed considerably. By your mid-20s, you were expected to have completed your education and/or established a career path, become financially independent, found a partner, and become a parent. Today, this process lasts through the 20s and well into the 30s. And let’s keep in mind that the post-COVID world is harder for youth, who lost in-person schooling and now see greater skill deficits. For young people with ADHD, it can take longer to reach the milestones of adulthood due to executive function challenges.

Is it about you? Your biases and assumptions may be making it harder for you to view your child and their circumstances objectively. Ask yourself:

• “How different are my adult child’s experiences from my own at that age?”
• “Do I need to give them more parental or adult guidance than I got?”
• “Do I view my adult child as a kid or as an adult?”
• “Do I judge myself ― or them ― if they’re not flourishing?”
• “Is this delay in growing up a period of self-discovery ― or self-indulgence?”

If your young adult really has failed to launch, help them start to address issues (but not solve them). Interventions for executive function difficulties, which interfere with setting and meeting goals, may help. CBT for executive dysfunction, for example, can help your child better understand ADHD, learn how to handle stress, procrastination, and negative thoughts, and modify their environment so they can thrive.

Failure to Launch? Next Steps for Thriving with ADHD

• Get This Free Download: Transform Your Teen’s Apathy Into Engagement
• Read: Teaching Generation Z How to Hope
• Read: How to Adult ― 6 Rules for Embracing Independence with ADHD
• Get This eBook: The Adult’s Guide to Stronger Executive Functions

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “The Journey to Independence: A Parent’s Guide to Delayed Adulthood with ADHD” [Video Replay & Podcast #503] with Anthony Rostain, M.D., M.A., which was broadcast on May 1, 2024.

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But studies suggest that we can teach kids effective skills for regulating their emotions, improving their behavior, engaging in active problem solving, and building positive relationships. How? The intervention I’ve found most helpful is dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).

“Dialectical” is simply the idea that two things that seem like opposites are true at the same time. Some examples of dialectics are: “I am independent, and I sometimes need help,” or “I’m really frustrated with you, and I love you.”

A simple approach to incorporating dialectical thinking into your parenting is to replace “but” with “and.” When you tell your child, “I know you’re angry, but you need to put your coat on,” that communicates that the first part of the sentence (the child’s side) is less important than the second half (the parents’ side). Replacing “but” with “and” communicates that both sides are equally important.

[Watch: Managing ADHD and Emotion Dysregulation with Dialectical Behavior Therapy]

Deeply Feeling Kids are “Supersensors”

When families arrive at DBT, they’ve often heard negative interpretations of their kids’ challenging behavior – and accusations that they are manipulative or spoiled. DBT asserts that, if you put a highly sensitive kid in a chronically invalidating environment, tantrums, risky behavior, and relationship problems are sure to follow. In DBT terms, a sensitive kid is an emotional “supersensor,” with reactions that are immediate, extreme, and long-lasting.

Validation is a kind of fire extinguisher for these emotional explosions. It doesn’t involve solving the child’s problems. It doesn’t mean agreeing with the child’s behaviors, thoughts or feeling. It simply involves communicating that these feelings make sense and are legitimate.

[Free Download: What Is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)?]

How to Validate Your Child’s Feelings

• Listen with awareness and avoid judgmental facial expressions.
• Reflect what your child is saying: “Math was really hard today.”
• State the unstated: “It sounds like you’re really hurt by what your friends said. Is that right?” Even an incorrect guess helps them think through their feelings.
• Communicate how their behavior makes sense given past circumstances. “I know the cafeteria is loud and overwhelming. I get why you’d be nervous about lunch today.”
• Confirm that their behavior is not unusual. “It makes sense that you were disappointed by the cast list. You worked hard preparing for that audition.”
• Cheerlead: Express belief in your child’s abilities. “It makes sense that you’re worried, and I know you are strong and up to the challenge!”

Validation is the salve for a chronically invalidating environment. It doesn’t solve the child’s problems or mean you agree with their behaviors, thoughts, or feelings. It simply communicates that they make sense and that their feelings are legitimate.

Parent Responses to Avoid

Avoid invalidating responses, which tend to exacerbate supersensors’ problematic behavior. Consider these two examples:

• During a child’s explosive episode, the caregiver says: “You’re making a spectacle of yourself!” or “You’re overreacting.” This dismisses the child’s experience.
• When a child complains that an activity is hard or boring, and doesn’t do what they said they would, caregiver says: “I don’t want to hear excuses. Do as you’re told.” This rejects the child’s efforts to communicate their feelings and oversimpliflies the process of meeting a goal.

Usually, parents or teachers say these things with good intentions, but these sentiments rarely help supersensors. These kids get the feedback that their emotions are wrong or illogical, and they start to doubt their own experience. Feeling misunderstood often turns up the dial on their distress.

Validating Deeply Feeling Kids: Next Steps

• Watch: How ADHD Amplifies Emotions
• Read: When Angry Kids Lash Out – How to Defuse Explosive Reactions
• Learn: 10 Rules for Dealing with the Explosive Child

Lauren Allerhand, Psy.D.. is co-director of the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Programs and a psychologist for the Mood Disorders Center at San Francisco’s Child Mind Institute.

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Donald Trump and Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., don’t understand ADHD or autism.

President Trump has a history of using the r-word. Health and Human Services Director RFK, Jr., has long maintained that vaccines cause autism, despite piles of evidence to the contrary; he’s even described autism by saying, “the brain is gone.” So it’s no shock that their new Make America Healthy Again Commission, established February 13, bristles with misunderstanding about both the rise in ADHD and autism diagnoses, and so-called “over-medication” of these and other conditions.

We’ve heard it all before. “Autism spectrum disorder now affects 1 in 36 children in the United States — a staggering increase from rates… during the 1980s,” they say. In the case of ADHD, “over 3.4 million children are now on medication for the disorder — up from 3.2 million children in 2019-2020 — and the number of children being diagnosed with the condition continues to rise.” It’s the kind of desperate handwringing we often hear from the fringes. Seeing it in an executive order from the president’s desk is admittedly scary.

The commission offers up all manner of scapegoats for this so-called rise in neurodivergence, or possibly false diagnoses. There are the usual suspects: diet, lifestyle, environmental factors. It also offers up some new boogeymen, including the “absorption of toxic material,” “medical treatments,” “electromagnetic radiation,” and “corporate influence or cronyism.” Never does this executive order grope toward the real reason: Refined diagnostic standards and outreach programs have created a wider net, which catches children before they spiral downward in adulthood. These improved standards have benefited all neurodivergent people, but particularly women and minorities.

ADHD Has Excluded Girls and Women

Back in the 1980s and 1990s, we thought attention deficit hyperactivity disorder was a condition for boys who couldn’t sit still. Millions of girls daydreamed and drifted in class. We made careless mistakes. We underperformed. We talked too much. But no one noticed. We were girls, and we didn’t cause a fuss. Now we know that those little girls also had ADHD. I was one of them. Yes, the number of children diagnosed with ADHD has risen, and thank God for it.

[Read: Why ADHD in Women is Routinely Dismissed, Misdiagnosed, and Treated Inadequately]

Every year, I see those little girls in my classroom, and I sit their parents down for the talk: Have you considered having your daughter tested? I tell them: Look, she’s 9, 10, 11. It may not seem like a big deal now, and sure, she’s doing great. But when she’s 15 or 18 or 30, that picture may look a lot different. I had all As ‘til I rage-quit a doctoral program. And every year, some parents ignore me. Others go on to get their daughters tested. Those kids go into the world armed with the help they need.

I have three boys, all with ADHD. None would have been caught in the diagnostic net of 1988 — they aren’t severe enough, troublesome enough. One has mixed-type ADHD that severely impacts his ability to concentrate on subjects he doesn’t like. He would desperately underperform without medical help. Another has inattentive ADHD, and he copes fine without medication at the moment. The youngest also has inattentive type and needs medication to function. He would have slipped through the cracks.

My husband and I both soldiered through school without ADHD diagnoses. Like most undiagnosed neurodivergent kids, we knew we weren’t like everyone else, but we didn’t know why. Therefore, we assumed something was terribly wrong with us, and it must be our fault. We blamed laziness — after all, weren’t teachers always demanding to know why we made so many careless mistakes? We blamed intellectual inferiority — we must be dumber than everyone else if we couldn’t pay attention.

Our self-esteem took a beating. This is remarkably common in the neurodivergent community. We’re trying to save our kids from it, and we’ve made remarkable headway.

With one stroke of a pen, this executive order would undo all that progress.

[Get This Free Download: A Parent’s Guide to ADHD Medications]

We’re Back to Blaming Parents for ADHD

U.S. Senator Tom Turberville (R-Alabama) lamented during RFK Jr.’s Senate confirmation hearings, “Attention deficit [ADHD], when you and I were growing up, our parents didn’t use a drug; they used a belt and whipped our butt… Nowadays, we give them Adderall and Ritalin. It’s like candy across college campuses and high school campuses.”

Then he asked Kennedy what he planned to do about the so-called over-prescription of stimulant medication for ADHD. The MAHA Commission is looking for someone to blame, and it has clearly chosen mothers. Why didn’t you feed your child organic food? Why did you vaccinate them? Why don’t you take them outside more, take away their screen? Why did you hand them a pill instead of parenting properly? It’s rife with assumptions, chief among them: This is your fault.

Once we blamed autism on cold mothers. Then we blamed it on their decision to vaccinate. Now we blame ADHD on permissive parenting.

Tuberville and Kennedy assume we give our kids pills because it’s “easier” than using an authoritarian style of parenting. We should be spanking the hyperactivity out of our kids instead of handing them Ritalin! That’ll cure the fidgets!

Clearly, none of these people have read the research: Authoritarian parenting leads to more negative outcomes, including aggression, delinquent behaviors, and anxiety. And that’s in neurotypical children. Ironically, authoritarian parenting — what Tuberville is suggesting when he tells us not to spare the rod — is shown to exacerbate ADHD symptoms.

We’re doing the best we can.

The Decision to Medicate Is Not Taken Lightly

No one gives their children medication as a first, second, or third choice. We try everything. We mess with their sleep schedules. We cut out foods and add fish oil. We give them more exercise and we modify their screen time. We try schedules. We try chore charts. We modify our parenting. We attempt everything. Ritalin scares us. And ADHD medication is hard to find — do these people really think we have the spare time to cruise different pharmacies, to try to find who has our prescription in stock? Do they think we want to obsess over side effects?

Handing your child a pill is scary. But some kids need it the way other kids need a heart medication, a diabetes medication. We should never pull a life-saving medication from a child.

Why do we think ADHD medication is optional? It’s not over-utilized. It’s not over-prescribed. It’s proven safe and effective and preventative for so many adverse outcomes.

We are doing the best we can by our children. The Make America Healthy Again Executive Order is rife with misunderstandings and assumptions about kids with ADHD and the people who parent them. Don’t blame parents — mothers, of course they mean mothers — for their kids’ brain differences. All people with ADHD and autism deserve the same respect and accommodation as other citizens, and that includes the right to medication at a doctor’s discretion. Our kids deserve better than this executive order. And so do we.

Make America Healthy Again Commission: Next Steps

• Free Download: The Ultimate Guide to ADHD Medication
• Read: “ADHD Is an Actual Condition. You Can’t Beat It Out of a Child.”
• Read: MAHA Commission Draws Swift Criticism, Condemnation

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U.S. Senator Tommy Tuberville (R-Ala.), during a confirmation hearing for Health and Human Services Director nominee Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., last week said this: “We have an attention deficit problem in this country… When you and I were growing up, our parents didn’t use a drug, they used a belt and whipped our butt… Nowadays, we give them Adderall and Ritalin. They are like candy across college and high school campuses.”

Kennedy, in his response to Tuberville, falsely claimed that 15% of American children are taking Adderall or other ADHD medications, and that the U.S. is “overmedicating our children” with stimulants, SSRIs, and benzodiazepines for mental health conditions. This juxtaposition — criticizing the American pharmaceutical industry after suggesting corporal punishment as a healthier alternative — struck many in the ADHD community as toxic and dangerous.

The American Psychological Association (APA) passed a resolution in 2019 urging against physical discipline for children, citing research demonstrating that corporal punishment harms children’s mental health and increases the likelihood of aggressive behavior in the future. “Use of physical discipline predicts increases — not decreases — in children’s behavior problems over time,” the resolution said.

The clinical practice guidelines developed by the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) recommend medication as the first-line treatment for ADHD in school-age children, citing a formal review of 78 studies on the treatment of ADHD, which “consistently supported the superiority of stimulant over the non-drug treatment.”

Tuberville’s comment comes just days after an interview with Nicole Shanahan, an attorney and Kennedy’s former 2024 running mate, in which he blamed mental health medications for a rise in American school shootings, despite a lack of research backing this claim.

ADHD Community Response

“The effects of ADHD crush families, multiply health burdens, sap worker productivity, and increase penal system costs,” said Oren Mason, M.D., a family physician in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and author of Reaching for a New Potential, in response to Kennedy’s statement at the confirmation hearing. “Life is remarkably harder with autism and depression, and every bit of support is welcome. People with ADHD and similar mental health challenges need affordable and available medications, psychosocial support, and education/work modifications. Parents need evidence-based guidance and training opportunities and respite. Teachers need evidence-based methodologies and the time to implement them. Therapists and coaches need training in the most beneficial interventions. Scientists and researchers need funding and priority-setting leadership. As Secretary of HHS, this is what I will provide the people of our great nation.”

“This is what RFK, Jr., might have said if he was familiar with the far-reaching complexities of providing hope and care for those with mental health challenges,” Mason continued. “Instead, he chose an Internet-chatter meme to spotlight his grasp of the needs of almost 30 million Americans with a complex disability. The mortality rate of ADHD is higher than asthma and nearly that of heart disease. If he was trying to signal that his approach to America’s mental health will be heartless and evidence-free, he nailed it.”

Many people took to BlueSky to respond to Tuberville’s and Kennedy’s comments at the confirmation hearing and to reflect on their own experiences with physical discipline as children with ADHD. Here are comments posted to BlueSky late last week during the confirmation hearings:

“Child abuse is a serious problem in this country and NOT a treatment for ADHD. In fact there is an association between ADHD and being a victim of abuse.” — @trm99.bsky.social

“We did get punished in every way, from spankings to standing in the corner at school for having (what we later learned) was ADHD. I was told how disappointing I was, how it was a shame that I had poor self-control since I was so smart, etc.” — @ritamelindared.bsky.social

“The belt/strap never helped my ADHD just made me angrier and more rebellious!” — @ginakh.bsky.social

“Late diagnosis and therapy ended decades of self-loathing no doubt brought about by teachers and other adults who berated me as a kid.” — @mexhistorian.bsky.social

[Read: Does Trauma Cause ADHD? And Vice Versa?]

“As a 65 year old with ADHD (and I had it as a child) I can attest that THE BELT was not the way to handle things. I’m still traumatized.” — @veryvaluable.bsky.social

“I was diagnosed when I was 41; my brother was 6. He was treated very differently and far less violently than I was and is doing well.” — @atticusdogsbody.bsky.social

“My mom used a belt, and her hands, and The Denver Post, and wooden spoons, etc… and I still have ADHD and also CPTSD.” — @quickbeam711.bsky.social

“Beating your child was never a treatment for ADHD. It was and always will be abuse.” — @ pednspy.bsky.social

“ADHD is an actual condition, and you can’t beat it out of a child.” — @ nrvschultz.bsky.social

“The belt doesn’t cure ADHD.” — @davidcouldbewrong.bsky.social

“As a parent watching a 4-year-old kid and wondering if he has ADHD, my first and only concern is making sure he had tools to succeed, not that we beat it out of him or hide it due to stigma.” — @ viamarsala18.bsky.social

These comments shed light on the need for proper treatment to combat the shame and stigma that tend to come with an ADHD diagnosis.

RFK Hearing, Discipline, and ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: Best Discipline Strategies for ADHD Children
• Read: Childhood Trauma and ADHD — A Complete Overview & Clinical Guidance
• Read: Why Spanking Your Kids Is Harmful

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Children with ADHD often face more trauma, excessive criticism, and attacks on their self-esteem than their neurotypical peers. These chronic negative experiences profoundly shape their thoughts and how they interact with the world. The reactive thought patterns and behaviors that take shape in childhood can lead to depression, anxiety, and other conditions that often impact functioning and complicate the management of ADHD throughout adulthood.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a type of talk therapy that can help people heal from trauma. It’s based on the idea that people have many different parts inside, some of which hold painful memories and beliefs related to their traumatic experiences. IFS therapy helps people understand, manage, and release the intense feelings and behaviors that such parts take on, improving coping skills and emotional regulation.

In this webinar you will learn:

• About the link between ADHD and trauma
• About the common forms of trauma that children with ADHD experience
• How trauma reactions can explain certain behaviors in children at home and in school
• How responses to trauma can impact the management of ADHD
• About IFS therapy and why it’s particularly helpful to people who experience trauma
• How to use IFS to understand and address the behaviors that often impede ADHD care and treatment

Watch the Video Replay

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Download or Stream the Podcast Audio

Click the play button below to listen to this episode directly in your browser, click the symbol to download to listen later, or open in your podcasts app: Apple Podcasts; Audacy; Spotify; Amazon Music; iHeartRADIO

ADHD and Trauma: More Resources

• Read: How Trauma and Chronic Stress Affect Developing Brains
• Read: Does Trauma Cause ADHD? And Vice Versa?
• Read: Adverse Childhood Experiences Help Explain the Depression – ADHD Link

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on March 18, 2025, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Dr. Susan Bauerfeld is a licensed clinical psychologist, executive function coach, and an Internal Family Systems therapist. She has recently retired from her private psychotherapy practice but continues to provide workshops and presentations for parents of children and young adults struggling with ADHD, trauma and other issues. Through education infused with hope, support, and skill building, she has helped countless individuals cope better with anxiety disorders, trauma, learning challenges, technology management, and chronic health conditions.

Dr. Bauerfeld received her M.A. and Ph.D. from Fairleigh Dickinson University. She was a staff neuropsychologist at the Rusk Institute at NYU Medical Center and for the Center for Head Injuries at JFK Johnson Rehabilitation Hospital in New Jersey.

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“Why couldn’t I be the patient, loving Mom I wanted to be? Why did I have to lose it and yell? Why couldn’t I get my $#!t together to get my kids to school?” On and on my thoughts went. I was spiraling faster, but I needed to find a way out. As the only adult around, I still had to get my kids to school. I was not sure if I needed to scream and shout, hit a pillow, stuff my feelings, or take deep breaths.

With an ADHD brain that is easily dysregulated, morning meltdowns were once normal occurrences for me. Today, these moments seldom occur. That’s because, over time, I came up with strategies to support me in my toughest parenting moments — when my brain was flooded with emotion and overwhelm.

1. Recognize What’s Happening

It sounds unbelievable, but I wasn’t always aware that I was on the verge of losing it. I would only realize that I had been triggered after I exploded. Mornings were rough for me because of my children’s behaviors and the expectations I placed on myself. With my triggers identified, I also realized that nothing good will happen until I can get my brain back to a regulated state. Now, how do I do that?

2. Step Away

I physically distance myself, even if not by much, from stressful stimuli. (My kids are young, so I can’t step away too far. The bathroom is one go-to place.) It sounds easy in theory, but making the choice to create distance with a triggered brain that screams, “ACT NOW! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!” is not easy at all. But I remind myself that I do not want to be reactive, especially around my kids. Until I can do that, it’s in everyone’s best interest that I step away.

[Get This Free Download: Emotional Regulation & Anger Management Scripts]

3. Get Moving

Stepping away isn’t enough. I can say with confidence that being alone in the bathroom does not make me feel better. My body still courses with rage and adrenaline. My thoughts are negative and angry.  My body feels under threat. In Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, authors Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., and Amelia Nagoski, DMA, explain that in this state of fight or flight from a perceived threat, moving the body is necessary to complete the stress-response cycle and calm down.

So, I get moving. I push against a wall, do pushups and jumping jacks, or wring a towel. Instead of ruminating in angry thoughts toward my children, I channel my energy toward imagining myself pushing against a stress monster.

4. Counter Shame with Self-Compassion

I’m still not out of the woods once my adrenaline eases up. Shame often fills the space that anger once occupied. Thoughts like, “What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can’t I handle getting my kids to school without losing it like a monster?” run through my mind. When the shame spiral takes hold it hurts not only me but my kids.

As Brené Brown writes in Daring Greatly, “Shame is the fear or not being worthy of connection and belonging.” In the shame spiral, I felt it best to keep distance between myself and my kids because my behavior was harming them. However, the therapist and mom parts of me knew that a distant, shut-down parent was just as harmful to them.

[Read: “The Myth of Perfect Parenting — How to Be Human Alongside Your Child”]

Self-compassion is my light in the dark. I remind myself that I am not a monster but a normal, struggling parent. I shift my thoughts from criticisms to self-compassion: “I am not alone. It’s normal to struggle as a parent. With or without ADHD, lots of parents struggle to remain calm and patient in stressful moments. There are probably other parents right this moment struggling to get their kids to school, too.”

With a moment of self-compassion, I can peel myself off the bathroom floor and return to my kids. On that school morning earlier this year, I apologized for my mini outburst and we went on with our day. With time and practice, I am now at a point where I’m able to regain my balance and calm somewhat quickly. As a bonus, my kids are really good at apologizing because I model it for them so frequently.

How to Regulate Emotions as a Parent: Next Steps

• Read: “My Child’s Short Fuse Lights My Short Fuse.”
• Read: The Blessings (and Trials) of Parenting with ADHD
• Read: “Bad Parenting Is Not What They Told Us It Was”

Michelle Puster, M.Ed., is a therapist, blogger, podcaster, mom of three, and founder of Compassionate Heart Mindful Life. Get Michelle’s Free Rage Break, a guided audio PAUSE  for when you are about to lose it or have just lost it with your kiddo(s) and need a moment to regroup.

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.